Adoption is a loving option for a woman experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, who is not ready or able to parent at this time in her life. In open adoption, the secrecy of years gone by is replaced by trust between the adopting couple and the birth parents and birth family. For the birth mother to be able to stay in contact with the child is a significant change from handing her baby over to a social worker and knowing she will never see her child again. Open adoption allows the child to know she has two families who love her… her  Mommy and Daddy she lives with and who care for her daily needs, and her birth parents who loved her enough to choose the kind of life for her that they were unable to provide at the time of her birth.

I speak from personal experience. When my daughter was born in 1985, I fancied myself highly informed and enlightened regarding open adoption.  I readily agreed to keep in touch with her birth mother by corresponding with her on an annual basis and exchanging pictures. Thus, her birth mother was able to see for herself that her child was safe and well-loved.  Our correspondence relationship evolved into two or three times a year and she sent us pictures of her family as well. This continued for more than seven years.

In the meantime my adoption legal practice grew and so did my knowledge of birth mothers and their psychological needs. Through my law practice, I began networking with other professionals interested in and involved in the adoption field. I expanded my understanding of the psychology of the adopted child and parenting adopted children.

Four-and-one-half years following the birth of my daughter, I was again blessed by being chosen by another birth mother to parent my son. His birth mother and her family knew immediately that they wanted an open adoption, including in person visits and to not only stay in touch, but to have an ongoing relationship with us and our son. Three years later, his birth mother was married in a beautiful formal wedding.  Our son was the proud ring bearer and we were invited guests!  His adoption did not replace his birth family…it simply changed  our definition of extended family.

In a closed adoption where there is no contact with the adopted child’s birth family, the child faces a loss that he or she may cope with for the rest of their life. (See, Being Adopted…The Lifelong Search for Self, by David M. BrodzAinsky, Ph.D. Marshall D. Schechter, M.D., and Robin Marantz Henig, Doubleday, 1992.) Part of our job as adoptive parents is to help the child deal with this loss. Grieving almost always follows any loss. It may take the form of anger, depression, despair, helplessness or hopelessness. It can be blocked or delayed, but it is a normal and healthy response to experiencing a loss.

As adoptive parents, armed with all this information and involved in one very successful open adoption, I found myself in a slight predicament. Sibling rivalry is alive and well in all families and adoptive families are no exception. I discovered that the sibling participating in an open adoption can be the object of jealousy by a sibling without access to her birth family.

And so, about the time my daughter was seven years old, I began noticing a subtle change in her personality.    She seemed to be frequently unhappy, moody, sullen,     and quiet.

It finally dawned on me that this could be adoption-related loss and grieving behavior. She saw first-hand that her brother frequently and regularly saw his entire birth family, including birth mom, grandparents, great-grandparents, and uncles, and even though they treated her as a member of their family, she realized they were not HER relatives.

I began the process of further opening her adoption. Through her birth grandfather, I contacted her birth mother and a visit was finally arranged. My daughter met her birthmother for the first time and had a fantastic visit. Of course, I took lots of pictures. This one visit had an immediate, visible, positive effect on my daughter’s attitude. She became more cheerful and less negative.

My daughter has now met her entire birth family many times and has framed pictures of them in her room. I feel as if I have given my daughter the gift of a part of herself that was missing…a part that now makes her a whole person.     I have always given her a loving family, but now she also has blood relatives, just like everybody else.

For me, parenting is about loving and nurturing my children unconditionally, whatever issues they face.  As parents, we cannot predetermine our children’s direction, but can only travel with them, and offer support along the way. As parents of adoptees, we must recognize that our children face internal issues that are different from those of us who were raised in biological families to understand. For me, the answer is to assure my children of the genetic and historical link between themselves and their birth families. This way they do not have a loss to grieve. There is no one missing from their lives. They will not feel abandoned or rejected by their birth family because they will grow up knowing and experiencing their love, as well as ours.

Tim is now an adult and attending college in Southern California.  He had seen and been a part of his birth family all of his life.  We have frequently made the trip from Northern to Southern California to be included in his family Easter gathering at birth grandma's house.  This year he was unable to make the trip all the way home for Thanksgiving, so he went to his grandma's house by himself.  He has always been treated as a part of their family, as well as ours.

This kind of adoption is not possible in all instances,   nor is it necessarily advisable in every circumstance.    Each adoption should be approached on a case-by-case basis, taking into consideration the needs of the adoptive family, as well as the birth parents and the personalities and preferences of all parties. In many open adoptions, contact is maintained on a correspondence basis, these days via the internet…sometimes regular, sometimes sporadic and infrequent. There is no wrong way to approach an adoption.  However, it must be comfortable for all the cooperating parties.

Nanci Worcester

Nanci Worcester is a member of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys.
Her practice is limited to adoption.  
She is the Director of the Adoption Center of Northern California.
She may be reached at 1-800-523-6781  or 530-888-1311.
Email to: adopt@adoption-center.com

Call TODAY!
Adoption Center of Northern California
Learn what your best options may be.
All calls are strictly confidential.

Nanci R. Worcester,
Adoption Attorney
1253 High Street, Auburn, CA 95603
Phone: 530-888-1311
Toll-free: 800-523-6781
Fax: 530-888-7529
Email: adopt@adoption-center.com
www.adoption-center.com